Musings 5.March.23

"She doesn't need that"

The flicker from surprise to disgust to pity was almost indecernable in our host's eyes, partially hidden by the over crinkling of her cheeks of a now plastered on smile.

I saw it though, or maybe I just felt it, which added more to my acute embarrassment.

As I slowly retracted my outstretched fingers from the plate of party nibbles, I gave her a fleeting look of 'I'm alright. Move on.' And then casted my eyes away from her pitying gaze and then down to the floor.

My then boyfriend had, in 4 words, completely shut me down and in front of an audience of ladies-who-lunch at an exclusive jewellery party.

It was one of those tumbleweed moments where no one knew what to say or if they should say anything as it would rock the mood of the party and that would be rude.

I'm not sure if it was a form of apology or he just wanted to flash the cash, but it was expected that I be grateful for the very pretty earrings he had chosen and bought me.

As we walked back to the car, I decided to make a stand, knowing it would create a spiralling argument, where I would be held hostage by his silent treatment and no affection for a couple of days at least.

"Why did you do that? You embarrassed me in front of everyone," I whispered, my other voice screaming, 'What are you doing?! Just shut up and let it go!'

"You didn't need it. I can see you're gaining weight again," he responded matter of factly as he started the car.

And so it went back and forth until I finally let the truth of the matter fly, "so gaining 5lbs is a reason to kick me out the door?"

Again, matter of factly, "Yes."

It's a time in my life that I call the Dark Ages. However, even though I felt I had no control over my life, I met some of the most important people in my life, then.

I'm doing a lot of unpacking lately, and this time in my past keeps spewing up as a pivotal point.

I was on top of the world before I met him. I was finally a full time university student which I was loving, the Olympics and that stress was behind me, I had the freedom of time to do what I wanted and when I wanted.

I guess he found that attractive.

He came after me in actual fact. I had no real interest in getting involved with anyone. I was wined, dined, given pretty gifts and looked after and for a financially struggling student, I'll admit, that was attractive.

If anyone asks me, I describe him as someone with a good streak, as at times, he could be caring....nah that's too generous.....uhm... let's say concerned for others. And I'd believe there was hope. I would, that is, until out of nowhere I'd get berated for smiling at the bartender or waiter while he ordered and then for looking at the wall or the floor because according to him, I was obviously now trying to avoid looking at anyone, including him.

The end was evident when he decided I didn't smile enough any more, that I was obviously unhappy and that I should just go home to Winnipeg.

"No one wants you here, anyways" was his concluding argument.

The truth of the matter was I had completely lost who I was. It was like waking up out of a trance. Suddenly, I felt frightened, trapped and humiliated that I had somehow let it happen.

So why do I bring him up? This guy... huh... you know what? I don't even have one photo together with him, now that I think about it. Neil's been photographed with him more.

Ironic.

But not really....synchronicity in play.

I drove my daughter and her beau to the airport this morning, listening to a Mel Robbins podcast talking about pivotal moments that shape our life's trajectory. So to the hum of their collective soft snoring and the surrounding blanket blackness that is 3:30am in early March, I started to delve.

I believe that I'm currently suffering from overwhelm, or, what I call the Curse of the Competent and it's in direct retaliation of the feelings of the Dark Ages.

There's a saying I absolutely loath:

'Want something done? Give it to a busy woman.'

Hands up, I'm a fixer and I do love solving problems but if I'm not careful, suddenly it's easier for everyone to dump their stuff on me to fix, solve, organise, or complete. And then I feel if I don't or can't, then the failure is mine, not theirs and that chips away at my confidence just as much as an emotional abuser, only this time it's me.

If you're like me, we do it to please, you do it to help, you tell yourself it makes you needed and important, gives you purpose.

What it is though, is going to the other side of the scale, showing that person who broke you in the past that people do need you, want to be around you, the more the better.

But then you get battered by your lack of boundaries and deep fear of being rejected again.

My need to have control over a situation, my emotions, and my life is me trying to find that balance . People say I'm loud, but it's only because, at one time in my life, I was muted. Honestly, if you want to see me rocket just turn to me, put your finger to your lips and say. 'Shhhhh!'

Why this need to control everything and not delegate? Do I have this need to be a martyr?

Back then, I had finally had enough of being told where to be, what to wear, what to eat, when to smile, where to look, how to look, how to train, both by him and my sport. I needed to take back control. And then I plunked myself smack into middle-class Britain. Again the irony. 🙄

When I went to the Sydney Olympic Games with the Toronto 2008 Bid Committee, I decided it all had to change. I would be away for 3 weeks working there and that change of environment would help me to start over.

A pivotal moment found me, lying on my bed there in Sydney, looking up at the ceiling, having just received an email from a new guy I had been seeing, but broke it off before leaving for Sydney. He was trying to gaslight me into submission. I knew I had to break this pattern. It was making me ill.

I closed my eyes and whole-heartedly said out loud, "Ok Universe... I am yours. I trust in your plans for me. I'm obviously not doing it right, so please lead me."

I met Neil the very next day.

And although we have had some turbulence in the beginning, it has always been evident that we were put together for a reason. (Literally in the cards, but that's another blog for another day.)

We're just better, together.

Total acceptance of each other, flaws and all, and support each other through every crazy idea or trying time. We take on our life and businesses together, back to back.

And for this, I actually have to thank the Dark Ages.

It gave me a tribe of incredible people, a second family who took me in, built me up and surrounded me with the caring space and love I was lacking. I am so grateful for them especially seeing how a 1 month refuge turned into 3 years!

Mr Not-So-Nice helped me create my negotiable & non-negotiable list for a future life partner. So thank you sincerely for that. I hope you still have your hair. I know that was important to you.

And being in Toronto afforded me the opportunity to be part of Toronto 2008 and its Sydney Information Task Force, leading me to the love of my life.

So, I really can't be upset by it any more as without that experience, I might not have what I have now. I have forgotten my own motto: no regrets, just bad experiences with lessons to be learned.

Part of the overwhelm is the residue of saying 'No' more lately, and with that, some rejection or disappointment. I have lost friendships and familial ties for standing up for myself, or holding people accountable for their actions &/or words. However, the boundaries will also cultivate the respect of my time and my abilities with the new relationships I will be building.

They say it's darkest before the dawn, and I do believe and truly feel something good and big is coming my way, again. I have forgotten to trust in the Universe and my gut in times of uncertainty.

I leave it to you, Universe. I trust in your plan for me.

Bring it on.

Let's get ready to pivot.

Musings : 10.Oct.2022

It's Mental Health Day and I want to speak to you about Resilience.

I know it's a buzz word now but I'm not a fan.

Resilience, when looked up is defined as coming back to its original form.

My question is why?

Why would I want to come back from something not learning anything?

I would rather adapt. Use the lessons learned and be stronger in the next round.

The Olympic Games

I’ve been to 2 : competed at the 1996 Centennial Olympic Games in Atlanta, USA and then was on Team 2008- the information Task Force for the Toronto 2008 bid who went to the Sydney 2000 Games.

1996 could’ve gone better.... I went into the Games injured with a dislocating shoulder (tore my labrum clean off in the semi finals of the trials). I was tired from qualifying, and they made me change my judogi just before going on.

So qualifying was a brand new thing in ‘96 and for women of the Pan-Am union there were only 2 spots per category after the top 8 world ranked were selected. Actually, it worked in my favour as the American had an automatic berth and the Cuban was in the top 8 being World Champion. Through the year, the Cuban-born Venezuelan snatched the first berth right under everyone’s noses and left the second spot between myself and the Brazilian. We were tied in points. So it was proposed a fight off to happen in Puerto Rico, I think it was, best 2 out of 3 in the December.

It then got postponed.

Keep in mind this was just to qualify. I still needed to win nationals.

It was postponed to February.

Then it was postponed to March, then again to the end of April.

Each time, I was tailoring my training to peek at this event.

I get a call from Captain, my national coach saying, “Niki, about the fight off...” He couldn’t finish with all the ‘niceties’. I was throwing down the phone.

“Wait! Wait! It’s ok, they’ve cancelled it. They’ve picked you!”

A true phenomenon occurred. Niki Jenkins was stunned silent.

But good news!

Right?!

So I had to win Nationals which I did, however, landing on my shoulder (I do apologise to the girl who’s nose I crunched 😞) and tore my labrum. Thank goodness for adrenaline which took me through the final.

It’s kind of synchronicity that I write this on Mental Awareness Day as my next portion of my story is at the actual Games.

When I finally got to the on-deck area, after the judogi fiasco, I asked for a minute alone in the curtained off area they provided.

This might sound a bit crazy to some but I experienced what can only be described as an out of body experience.

I started sobbing, like ugly ugly crying.

I openned my eyes and was literally beside myself. My ghostly form shook me and sternly said, ‘Get it together Woman!! We haven’t come this far, to get this far!’

So I did.

Dried my face on my Plan B gi, and walked out into the lights, the noise, the crowd and the French opponent. I nearly armlocked her but nearly, against a wazari, doesn’t cut it.

I was done.

Ooooooh so done!

It was a while before I wanted to see a judo mat again.

2000 Sydney was an opportunity of a lifetime! Our team led a VIP service to athletes, supporters, stakeholders and influencers. As it happens, CBC asked me to commentate as Nico Gill, was favoured to do well. My first live commentary ever and it was the finals of the Olympics Games.

Baptism by fire.

I then met the Love of my Life, Neil and life then spun a very different direction from there.

These are the elements that create us, I have no regrets, only some not-so-great experiences, which I dub The Dark Ages. They were really dark and fodder for a future blog. But I have learned from them, tried to use them to shape a good person with a great attitude towards life.

I’m happy to share more privately with and when anyone who needs to hear it and to let them know it can get better, there is ALWAYS someone who cares for you.

Don’t be afraid to ask.

I have been there.

I know I’ll always #asktwice

Birthday Blog

Today is my birthday.

Well thank you. That's very kind.

I will tell you my age as it's important to the blog. Today I am the big 4-9.

I think with all birthdays we tend to reflect and set goals, and why not? We most likely have not carried on any New Year's resolutions we promised, so birthdays can be sort of a Plan B. Although, I don't set resolutions, nor normally wait for significant dates to make any changes. But, as this is the year coming up to 50, I'm thinking it's time to have a good hard look at what's going on in the House of Niki.

I'm also recovering from Covid, which surprisingly completely took me off my feet and left me with a chest infection and a husky cough that makes everyone who is around more than slightly uncomfortable. It's not the general feeling of malaise or even the exceptional tiredness that took me by surprise but, for me, it was not being able to breathe. That was not on at all, and really took me to those dark places that really, we choose to avoid.

I often have a recurring dream that I'm under water or the air has been snuffed out and I can't breathe. I wake up finding that I am holding my breath and it's terrifying. It's usually around times when I feel overwhelmed or not in control of things, despites all my efforts (Ha! There it is again!)

These past couple of weeks have put things into perspective and as Neil was away while I sat 7 hours in the A&E for a chest x-ray, I was alone with my thoughts.

Do I have a plan for the next 50 years, knock on wood.

Working for myself, as the saying goes, I'll be working until lunchtime on the day of my funeral. But the past few weeks and especially the last couple of days, I've had to check to see if I've been the best type of mom, wife, friend I could be. As I've said in earlier musings, I've never been a girlie girl and shudder at the notion of being thought of as a 'Pick Me' girl as my daughters have educated me on the latest social term - someone who downplays themselves to gain favour or access to an otherwise inaccessible group by way of a sympathy vote. So I tend not to sit around hoping to be invited to this, that or the other. I rather feel that people will contact me when they need me or want me to be at their social event, therefore I won't necessarily contact them, without good reason. I truly believe a true friendship is where, even though you haven't spoken for a long time, you just pick up from where you left off. But isn't just calling to connect a good reason, I have to ask myself?

And that is how I have come to this next year's mantra....not goal....as that's work and I don't want it to be work. This part of my life shouldn't be work, it should flow within mindful parameters, guided by my interests and by those who are interested in me.

I have boiled it down to one word: effort

People who know me, know me to be a pretty full on busy bee with a lot of irons in the fire at any given time and might have a difficult time wondering why I've chosen effort, as it might look like I am always putting as much energy into life that I can.

This is different.

I'm thinking that another way of putting it is 'prioritised conscious application of will'.

(I just made that up, but I think it sounds pretty swish)

I will make the effort to to do things in the present that benefits me that could be put off for another day.

I will make the effort to keep in contact with people unless it becomes one-sided, in which I will no longer.

I will make the effort to walk everyday or do a physical activity that is for my pure personal pleasure and not for work.

I will make the effort in my appearance each and every day - a ritual that somehow gets left behind once you have kids. And it's true that people treat you differently if it is perceived that you have made an effort, as cynical as that might be, it seems, to me, to be the unspoken law of the jungle.

The proof of this working well for me was when I did my first yoga class yesterday, with a friend who has been asking me on and off for a few weeks, and today I made the effort.

Could I have laid in bed a little longer? Sure.

Could I have given the excuse of too much work? Absolutely.

And the result was wonderful.

In this class I had one thing to do and only one thing and that was to listen to my body, listen to it's story as it went through basic poses and opened up.

Nothing else.

I haven't focused on myself like that since...well forever.

So finally, I have decided that this year will be about effort that fulfills me, makes me better to be around, makes people want to connect on a vibration that is positive and possibly effortless as the effort has already been done.

So no memories to write about today. More about looking forward, however, I did learn something recently that resonates deeply with me and I guess is along the lines of effort:

the difference between being Effective and Efficient that will weave it's way through my efforts this year and hopefully beyond:

To be efficient is to get prescribed things done in a prescribed time, faster and with less input.

To be effective is to take things forward and progress making it better and learning the whole way.

Effort: It doesn't take much, only the courage to say Let's Do This.